Here's the latest I have received. Enjoy! -Brian PS. I bet Bulls over Jazz in 4. Any takers? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subject: Short Books Below is a title list of VERY, VERY SHORT books. 1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit - A Travel Guide (with a forward by H. Mainhardt) 7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 9) Easy UNIX 10) Canadian Tips on World Dominance 11) Everything Men Know About Women 12) French Hospitality 13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years 14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers 17) Popular Lawyers 18) Staple Your Way to Success 19) Tasty Bile Recipes 20) The Amish Phone Book 21) Gypsy Sports Heroes 22) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan 23) Chic Mormon Hairstyles 24) Remarkable Texans 25) Around the World in a Peugeot 26) Fat-free German Cooking 27) British Guide to Dental Hygiene 30) Swiss Beaches- A Guide 31) Spicy Irish Cooking 32) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns 33) Great Cars of Russia 34) Secrets of English Economic Success 35) Advances in Chinese Human Rights 36) Investing - The Albanian Way ----------------- The missionary had brought his religion to the remote village in Africa and had sternly instructed the natives on the virtures of monogamy. One day, however, a young wife gave birth to a white baby. The chief stormed into the missionary's hut. "You have taught us about the sanctity of marriage," the chief said, "and yet today N'Dawa gave birth to a white child. As you are the only white man here, the people say you are the father. They are very angry." "Chief," the missionary replied, "the baby is not mine, it's an albino. See the black sheep there?" he said, pointing to a herd of otherwise white sheep. "It's a fluke of nature, something that just happens." Shifting nervously from foot to foot, the chief cleared his throat. "Say no more, Father," he mumbled. "I won't tell them about N'Dawa if you won't tell them about the sheep." ---------------- As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this". ------------- Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction. - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch". - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!" - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!" - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it. - The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint. - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either." -------- jokes courtesy of Chris Marcotte (marcotte@ctron.com) and Vida Melroy (jmelroy@cts.com).