Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agree, and at the end of two weeks come back to see the pastor. The pastor turns to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church.", said the pastor. The pastor turns to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church.", said the pastor. The pastor turns to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks.", the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the Pastor. "Darn," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."