Look Who's Thinking

What do babies think? Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough
accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis
devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.
      Despite the potential "brain drain" risks reported in a recent
Newsweek covers story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now
mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed my seven-month-old
daughter to undergo a "head read," conducted in her natural environment.
Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat
it...
      Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens.
Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat
it...
      Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment
center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire... Nope. No good.
Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly...
      Whoooops! Hey! I'm flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the
skies to save the world from total destruction! I'm flying into... Oh, no!
My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN!
NOT THE...
      Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to
eat it...
      Uh-oh. There's that rumbling noise. Maybe it's a false alarm...
Nope! It's a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH!
      Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive...
EEEYOW! Where you been keepin' those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next
time, how about chippin' the ice off 'em first?
      Hey! I'm flyin' again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into...my crib?
No! No! I'm not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn't have the
energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this:
WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...
      Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me
unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out.
Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat
it...
      Hey! There's Dad? He'll bust me outta this joint!... Hey, Dad,
where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It
worked. What a sucker.
      Hiya, Dad. You know, you'd be a pretty good-lookin' guy if you
didn't have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you
with my world-famous vise grip... Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using
both hands... Okay! Okay! I'll just yank out one hair at a time...
Sheesh. What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp
fingernails into your face?...
      WHOOOOPS! I'm flyin' again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen!
WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm
gonna try to eat it...
      Hmmmm. I'm famished, and this mystery food ain't helping. Time to
ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
      Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What's on the menu
tonight, Mom? ... Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol' honkin'
spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!
      Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my
impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It's great.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh?
      Hey! Where'd the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I
don't want no stinkin' bottle. Here, I'll demonstrate by throwing it on
the floor. See?
      What are you doin'? Don't pick it up and give it back to me!
Obviously, you're confused, so let's go over it one more time. When I
throw my bottle THUSLY, it means "Ixnay on the ottlebay." Got that? In
otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained...
      Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin' back to the living room floor!
Well, it's about time! Let's see. What was I doing before all those rude
interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now,
where's that wire?...
      Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to
eat it...

[From _The Dad Zone: Reports from the Tender, Bewildering, and Hilarious
World of Fatherhood_, by Michael Burkett (Simon & Schuster, 1993)]