Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down
who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk
to him.

Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"

The Guy: "Yeah,... I'm really depressed" 

Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" 

The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"

Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" 

The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over" 

Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"

The Guy: "I sat him down...tied him up...looked him straight in the
eye...and said..." Bad Dog!"  "Bad Dog!"


==========================================================================


These three men are going through CIA training, trying to  become secret
agents. They finally get through all their written and  physical tests when
they are pulled aside by one of the instructors  who takes them to a small
room with a one way mirror in it looking  into another room.    

They bring the first guy's wife into that room  and leave her there.   The
instructor then loads two rounds into a  pistol, hands it to the first man
and says "Go kill your wife of five  years."  The trainee takes the weapon,
goes into the next room but  comes back out 1 minute later and says "I
can't do it."  The  instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."  

They then bring  the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there.
The  instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second
man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years."  The trainee takes the
weapon , goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later  and
says "I  can't do it."  The instructor replies, "Then you fail out  - get out." 

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room  and leave her
there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a  pistol, hands it to the
third man and says "Go kill your wife of  fifteen years."  The trainee takes
the weapon, goes into the next room  where there is silence for 1 minute.
Suddenly, there are two gunshot  sounds followed by a huge commotion in the
room.  The third man came  out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good
job, asshole!  You  gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"  


==========================================================================


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the
first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a   
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the  boy
for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know  about
condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how  many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.  The  boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy,  it
being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.  "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where  
the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, 
and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, 
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with  his head
down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 
"I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and  whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."


==========================================================================


  An attractive woman entered a pet shop.  When the clerk offered
assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking
for a small-ish dog for company.

  The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and
that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace
pets.

  He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal.
He took the woman into a back room.  He walked over to a terrarium, and
pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

  "Would that suit your needs?", he asked. The woman answered, scornfully,
that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

 "Ah", replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been
carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

  At this the woman's eyes lit up.  She eagerly negotiated a price of $500
for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession.

  Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and
relaxed in anticipation.  When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself,
and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed.  Parting her thighs, she placed
the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

  Nothing happened.

  She prodded the frog.

  Still nothing.

  She moved it up further toward her body.
 
  Nothing.

  She ordered it to perform.

  No response.

  After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the
pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been
cheated.  The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said
he'd be right over.

  Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered,
wearing a nightgown.  He asked her to demonstrate the problem.  She obliged,
by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place.
      
  The frog made no movement.

  "You see?", she asked, petulantly.

  "Yes, I do", said the man.

  Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said,
"Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time..."