> _____________________________________ > _________| |________ > \ | The Top Five List | / > \ | www.topfive.com | / > \ | | / > \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > > | www.winsources.com | < > / | | \ > / | March 24, 1997 | \ > / |_____________________________________| \ > /___________) (__________\ > > > The Top 16 Signs You Won't Win an Oscar > > > 16> Your movie is a documentary, titled, "Washed Up Lame-O's: > The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences." > > 15> Nudity? Yes! Estelle Geddy? Yes! > > 14> Your movie features any of the following: a monkey in > children's clothing, an annoyingly cute child actor, or Sinbad. > > 13> In retrospect, maybe casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Thomas > Jefferson really *was* a bad idea. > > 12> Your movie's title: "Dennis Rodman's Private Parts." > > 11> Your name rhymes with "Piano Weaves" or "Wally Store." > > 10> The last time you and the Academy president, Jack Valente, went > out cruising for babes, you forgot yourself and made fun of his > cheeks. > > 9> The title "Oral-Lovin' Amateurs" somehow lacks that "epic" feel > the academy loves. > > 8> Your name is Tori and daddy said you're not getting one until > you're thirty. > > 7> Your personal psychic predicts the only Oscar she sees in your > future is on a hot dog bun. > > 6> With the liberal establishment controlling Hollywood, your > Documentary, "McVeigh: Modern American Patriot" never had a > chance. > > 5> The NY Times review of your film contained the words, "putrid," > "stench," and "bile." > > 4> Armani, Lagerfeld, and Dior were one thing, but even Kathie Lee > claims to be "fresh out" of dresses for awards night. > > 3> The only Oscar party you're invited to is at 360 N. Rockingham. > > 2> Although dramatic, flying cows are traditionally overlooked. > > > and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an Oscar... > > > 1> You are unfortunately only *one* degree of separation from > Kevin Bacon. > > > [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] > [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] > [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]