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>     /      |           March 24, 1997            |     \  
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>   /___________)                               (__________\  
>   
>   
>            The Top 16 Signs You Won't Win an Oscar  
>   
>   
> 16> Your movie is a documentary, titled, "Washed Up Lame-O's: 
>     The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences."  
>   
> 15> Nudity?  Yes!  Estelle Geddy?  Yes!  
>   
> 14> Your movie features any of the following: a monkey in 
>     children's clothing, an annoyingly cute child actor, or Sinbad.  
>   
> 13> In retrospect, maybe casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Thomas 
>     Jefferson really *was* a bad idea.  
>   
> 12> Your movie's title: "Dennis Rodman's Private Parts."  
>   
> 11> Your name rhymes with "Piano Weaves" or "Wally Store."  
>   
> 10> The last time you and the Academy president, Jack Valente, went
>     out cruising for babes, you forgot yourself and made fun of his 
>     cheeks.  
>   
>  9> The title "Oral-Lovin' Amateurs" somehow lacks that "epic" feel
>     the academy loves.  
>   
>  8> Your name is Tori and daddy said you're not getting one until
>     you're thirty.  
>   
>  7> Your personal psychic predicts the only Oscar she sees in your
>     future is on a hot dog bun.  
>   
>  6> With the liberal establishment controlling Hollywood, your
>     Documentary, "McVeigh: Modern American Patriot" never had a 
>     chance.  
>   
>  5> The NY Times review of your film contained the words, "putrid,"
>     "stench," and "bile."  
>   
>  4> Armani, Lagerfeld, and Dior were one thing, but even Kathie Lee
>     claims to be "fresh out" of dresses for awards night.  
>   
>  3> The only Oscar party you're invited to is at 360 N. Rockingham.
>   
>  2> Although dramatic, flying cows are traditionally overlooked.  
>   
>   
>     and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an Oscar...  
>   
>   
>  1> You are unfortunately only *one* degree of separation from 
>     Kevin Bacon.  
>   
>   
>    [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]  
>    [  *To forward or repost, please include this section.*  ]  
>    [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]