Here's a few more....go UCLA! Brian Murphy San Diego, CA "Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer." - Al Bundy -------------------------------------- A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, annoying voice. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened" +++++++++++++++++++++++++ (oldie but one of my favorites courtesy of Chris Marcotte and Dave Rickards) Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin' a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's just gonna be the two of us."