"E-mail Jokes from Brian" is a bit raunchy today, so if you are easily offended delete this file. Enjoy! Cheers, Brian Murphy PS. If you ever see a joke in here that you sent me, consider that a compliment. =========================== It seems a fellow went into a bar the other day and set down next to a beautiful woman. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket and places it on the bar next to the woman. She responds, "whats that?" "A pussy eating frog," the man replys. "Well, I'd like to see that!" the woman says and out into the alley the three of them go. The woman lays on her back and raises up her skirt, the man places the frog between her legs. The frog sits there doing nothing. The man then moves the frog aside and says, "Okay I am only going to show you this one more time." +++++++++++++++++ Some gangsters think of robbing a bank, they make the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. They see hundreds of safes, the head gangster says, open the first one up. They open the safe and only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says "Ok what can we do? At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They open up the second Safe and there stands more vanilla pudding, they eat this too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They get out all stuffed. And they say "At least we were able to eat." Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people" ++++++++++++++++++++++ Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." ++++++++++++++++++++++ A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."