I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay Leno The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" -- Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -- Pearl Williams Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -- Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. -- George Lindsey Never moon a werewolf. -- Mike Binder If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel