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More funny stuff ...
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Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 10:25:23 -0800
From: Chris Marcotte
Organization: Cabletron Systems, Inc.
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To: Brian Murphy , Eccentric Monthly ,
John Wiebe , Scot Sahai ,
toddl@ctron.com, sharris@ctron.com, mherbert@ctron.com,
manzi@ctron.com
Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: bird]]
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THE VULGAR PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One
day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the
bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,
"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really
aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally
lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that
would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At
first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may
be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he
opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
chicken do?"
--
Chris Marcotte
Spectrum QA
603-337-7772
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Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 10:28:23 -0800
From: Chris Marcotte
Organization: Cabletron Systems, Inc.
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To: Brian Murphy , Eccentric Monthly ,
John Wiebe , Scot Sahai ,
toddl@ctron.com, sharris@ctron.com, mherbert@ctron.com,
manzi@ctron.com
Subject: Yummy!
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A very hungry man walked into a Biker Bar late one evening. There was a
huge bowl of luke warm chili sitting in front of a Biker, but the man
was just staring at it. The hungry man said, "Are you gonna eat that?"
The Biker pushed the bowl toward him and replied, "Be my guest." The
hungry man wolfed down all of the chili. At the bottom of the bowl was
a huge, greasy dog turd. The hungry man power puked the chili back into
the bowl. The Biker said, "Yeah, that's what I did when I saw it too."
--
Chris Marcotte
Spectrum QA
603-337-7772
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Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 10:49:32 -0800
From: Chris Marcotte
Organization: Cabletron Systems, Inc.
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To: Brian Murphy , Eccentric Monthly ,
John Wiebe , Scot Sahai ,
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Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: Those Wacky Old People]]]
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An old man in a nursing home walked up to two elderly women who were
playing cards.
"I bet you can't guess how old I am," he says.
"Sure we can," they replied, "but in order to get an accurate guess we
will need you to take all of your clothes off so we can get a good look
at you."
This sounded reasonable to the old man, so he gets naked and stands in
front of them.
"You're 77," they exclaim in unison.
"Wow! You're exactly right...how could you tell?"
"You told us yesterday," they replied.
--
Chris Marcotte
Spectrum QA
603-337-7772
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Date: Tue, 10 Dec 1996 10:55:29 -0800
From: Chris Marcotte
Organization: Cabletron Systems, Inc.
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To: Brian Murphy , Eccentric Monthly ,
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manzi@ctron.com
Subject: [Fwd: [Fwd: [Fwd: [doyle@epsenergy.com: Fw: M&M's]]]]
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***Copied from someone who definitely has too much time on their hands:
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I
hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is
the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to
go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest
of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I
pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of
Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card
reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
--
Chris Marcotte
Spectrum QA
603-337-7772
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