"Save the Whales, Shoot the Seals."
"I want to be like Barbie, that bitch gets everything she wants."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"Assassins do it from behind!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking."
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock."
"I'm out of bed and dressed; What more do you want?"
=========================================================================
Subject: Internet Addiction and Indecent Proposal
* You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
Decency Act.
* You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
phone lines.
* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
cellular modem and a laptop.
* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
* All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
* You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see
a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've
never had heart problems before.
* You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
* You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.
* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* Your dog has its own home page.
* You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos.
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
idea where your children are.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.
* You refer to your age as 3.x.
* You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
* Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
your favorite IRC channel.
* You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
* You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
ask.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
* You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
* Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
* You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest
games from Apogee.
* You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
* Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to
your IRC channel.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
* Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
* You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search
engines useless.
* You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
1.1 or higher."
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
* You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for
"surfing the net".
* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is
allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
* You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
of you can chat.
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
========================================================================
A native american boy (B) asked his mother (M) once:
B: Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?
M: Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.
B: Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?
M: Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.
B: And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
M: We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived. Tell me,
why are you so curious about their names, Torn Rubber?
========================================================================
********************************************
************************************************
**** When the end of the world arrives, ****
**** how will the media report it? ****
************************************************
********************************************
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS
WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE
COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS
SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH
OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN.
TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE
APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture,
download software patch RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON-TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW
AVAILABLE !
=======================================================================
43 RULES FOR WOMEN
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the
toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat,
Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the
fine bars throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving
your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he
is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9 If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick
and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the
room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their
infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection
around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really
want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to
sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you
never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man
you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look
fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual
flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if
left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells
fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you
intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this
manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier
than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is
better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to
be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of
them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer
gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait
until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the
sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner
and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
=========================================================================
This test does not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words and
certainly not your mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some
gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. In the 5 years since
the test was developed, they have found few people who could solve more
than half of the 23 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported
getting answers when their minds were relaxed. Some reported solving all
the questions over a period of several days. Take this as a personal
challenge.
Instructions: Each question below contains the initial of the word(s)
that will make it correct. Find the words.
Example: 16 = O in a P
Answer: Ounces in a Pound
1. 26 = L of the A
2. 1001 = A N
3. 7 = W of the W
4. 12 = S of the Z
5. 54 = C in D (W/J)
6. 9 = P in the S S
7. 88 = P K
8. 13 = S of the A F
9. 32 D F at which W F
10. 18 = H on the G C
11. 90 = D in a R A
12. 200 = D for P G in M
13. 8 = S on a S S
14. 3 = B M (SHTR)
15. 4 = Q in a G
16. 24 = H in a D
17. 1 = W on a U
18. 5 = # of D in a Z C
19. 57 = H V
20. 11 = P on a F T
21. 1000 = W that a P is W
22. 29 = D in F in a L Y
23. 64 = S on a C B
Can you figure it out without anyone's help?
=========================================================================