===================================================================== After the incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant. Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Hugh replied "it was worth a million." So Bill called up the lady. Since she became famous her prices were up, and Bill paid her $10,000 for a night. In the morning he said, "that was fantastic! Now I know why professionally you call yourself 'Divine.'" She answered "thank-you. And now I know why you call your company Microsoft." ===================================================================== One day this guy named Joe was hitchhiking along this road. A guy pulls up and asks, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?" Joe said, "I'm a Democrat." So the guy drives away. A couple hours later an old hag drives up and asks the same question, Joe gives the same answer, so the hag drives away. Later still this hot, sexy chick drives up and asks, "Are you a Republican or a Democrat." Tired of waiting by the side of the road, Joe says, "Republican." And the chick lets him in. As they drove down the road, the wind is blowing hard in the chick's car and her dress starts to go up over her head. Joe says, "Stop the car and let me out." "Why?" asks the chick. Joe says, "Because I've been a Republican for only fifteen minutes and I already feel like screwing somebody." ===================================================================== The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches". One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this". "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" ===================================================================== Trucking ======== Did you hear about the trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill as was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman making love in the center of the highway? He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road and yelled, 'What's the hells the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!' The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.' ===================================================================== There were 3 nuns that died and were going to heaven. They got to the gate and were told each would have to answer a question. They looked at each other and said "Okay No problem" The first stepped forward , The gate keeper said " Who was the first man created"? The first nun said " Thats easy, It was Adam". Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up and she walked in. The second nun stepped up and the gate keeper asked her " Who was the first woman created"? The nun said "Thats easy too! It was Eve." Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up and she walked in. The third nun stepped up and the gate keeper asker her "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She stood and thought and thought and scratched her head and then said " Hmmmm Thats a hard one." Bells rang out, angels sang and the gates opened up. =====================================================================>>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen." The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts. ===================================================================== ==================================================================== THE NEW FARMER This guy moves from the city to the country to try hog farming. Having never been a farmer before, this guy asks around and ends up buying three sows (female hogs used for breeding), but they never had any babies. So he calls the vet to find out what he can do to get these sows to have babies. The vet tells him that he needs to find a boar (a male hog) to breed the sows. The farmer calls around, but he can't find a boar for sale. He goes back to the vet and tells him he can't find a boar, so the vet suggests artificial insemination. Not knowing what artificial insemination is, but not wishing to appear ignorant, he goes home to think about it, and decides that artificial insemination meant he needed to do the job himself. So, the next day he loads the three sows in the back of the truck, takes them to the woods, and has his way with them. He comes back and realizes he doesn't know how he will be able to tell if the insemination had worked. So he calls the vet. The vet tells him it is really easy to tell with hogs. The vet advises the farmer to "look out the window tomorrow morning and, if the sows are rolling around in the mud, the insemination worked". Next morning the ol boy gets up and runs to the window and sees that the sows are just standing around. So, again, he takes the sows and puts them in the back of his truck, drives out to the woods and again has his way with them. Next morning he looks out his window and, again, the sows are still just standing around. So, he takes them out in the truck and has his way with them for the third time. Being exhausted from his work of the past few days, the next morning the farmer sleeps through his alarm clock and wakes up in a rush, and instantly thinks about his sows. His wife is doing dishes in front of the window, and so the guy asks his wife to "look out the window and tell me what those sows are doing". His wife looks out the window and he asks her if "they are just standing around". "Noooo", she says. Now, this new farmner IS excited. "You mean they are rolling around in the mud", he asks? "No, she says. Two are in the back of the truck and the other one is sitting in the front honking the horn". ===================================================================== A missionary was trying to educate an indigenous tribe in the ways of the modern world. As part of this education, he attempted to teach them English. One day the missionary was out walking with the tribe's chief, trying to show him the meaning of English words. As they walked through the forest, the missionary would point to various objects and say, "This is called a tree...this is named a monkey, ect..." Suddenly, they heard some noises eminating from behind a bush. As they approached, the missionary soon saw that it was a native man and a woman fooling around. The chief looked inquisitively at the embarrassed missionary, who stuttered a bit before finally blurting out, "That is a man riding a bike." The chief then pulled out his poison bow and arrow, aimed, and fired at the man. The stunned missionary exclaimed, "Chief, what did you do that for?" And the chief responded, "My bike!" ========================================================================= The Pope comes to America, Denver,Colorado as a matter of fact. After speaking in Denver, he asks his driver to take him out the country so he can see some of the famous area scenery. After driving a little while, he lowers the glass between him and the driver and says "Say, driver, did you know that I used to drive myself everywhere until I became Pope, now I never get to drive and I really miss it." "Do you think I could have a turn at the wheel out here in the country?" "Why sure," replies the driver as he pulls over to the shoulder. Thus the Pope and the driver exchange places and continue on. The Pope has the window down, radio on, just enjoying himself immensely, driving faster and faster. He passes a Highway Patrolman who quickly pursues and pulls him over. Upon walking up to the driver's window and seeing the Pope, the patrolman is taken aback and can only mutter "Ah,ah, please wait here". He promptly calls in to his dispatcher and asks for the police chief. He says to the chief, "Chief, you've gotta come out here, I've stopped somebody big and I don't know what to do." The Chief quickly replies, "Did you stop the Major of Denver"? "Bigger than that," replied the patrolman. "Oh my, did you stop the governor?" gasped the Chief. "Bigger," replied the patrolman. "You didn't stop the President,did you?" asked the Chief, mortified at the possibility. "Bigger than him," replied the patrolman. "Who the hell could be bigger than the President?" screamed the Chief in disbelief. "I don't know" replied the patrolman, "but he's got the Pope driving him around".............