For those of you who are current or ex Tandemites, this one is courtesy of the infamous Maurice. For those of you who are/weren't, never mind who it's from, just read it >;-) Mark ============================================================================ How to Fail in Music Ah, semi-stardom. Luckily I am managing to avoid it and feel it is my duty to help others along the path of the most honorable of failures; the music business. The following is a list of personally tested methods to avoid any level of fame: 1) Be original. Originality is the number one killer of bands world wide. Try to sound like yourself and you can rest assured that no major label will ever sign you. This is an easy way to avoid those time consuming label negotiations and large unruly crowds. 2) Sing in your own voice Yes, again an easy one. WARNING: Do not sound like Eddie Vedder! You may think that you would be ignored for duplicating a popular artist, WRONG! People forget quickly. A foolish move like this one may land you in front of a maddeningly enthusiastic stadium crowd within a year. 3) Utilize Higher Literary Methods Camp, hyperbole and irony are terrific ways to alienate listeners and stump critics. When confused, they will assume you are pretentious and hate you. 4) Write Decipherable Lyrics Make sure your irony et al is clear. This speeds the process of #3. 5) Get a Really Big Producer to Love You The support of a big name producer gives a feeling of impending attainment thus creating disharmony within the group. The optimum failure stance is to be poised for success. 6) Work Well with People By cooperating with club owners and promoters you send a message of gullibility. This allows the aforementioned to push your stage time during pinnacle showcases and under promote you. 7) Ignore Dick Heads They hate that and dick heads can be fabulously motivated. A dick head will not sleep until he/she shows up a nice guy like you. This way, dick heads can promote the idea that you're the dick head (i.e. "If I'm the dick head, how come I'm headlining)?" 8) Be Monogamous By being faithful, you can help to eliminate pesky, undersexed groupies who might choose to attend every show and tell everyone you're great. 9) Trust Anyone By trusting people unconditionally, you establish a bond of suckerness (see #6). This will aid in all aspects of your failure. 9.5) Emulate the Greats Try to emulate great artists. This will help you believe that you can take the musical chances they did. You can't. 9.75) Do not Emulate Bad Artists Should you create a style exactly like, say, George Thorogood, people will think it's cute and you may find yourself trapped within immense demand. 10) Speak Freely If there is a flaw in someone's work, TELL THEM IMMEDIATELY! Don't worry, they will not appreciate your honesty and discuss the issue; they will hate you. 11) Let Someone in for Free They will tell everyone. This will eliminate the hassle of mailing lists and gigs being that no one will ever pay again. 12) Talk to Fans By talking to fans you reduce the "pedestal effect." The fans will move on to a band that treats them like spit. 13) Respond to Fan Mail See #12. 14) Play From the Soul Nothing annoys people more than someone who feels strongly about their work. If anything you do gives you any sort of honest emotional tug, run with it. People will hate it. WARNING: Do not fake emotion, this may lead to uncontrollable success (see Nelson). 15) Be Open Minded Write a lyric that shows you are comfortable with people's race or sexual preference. The nazi types will hate you and the people you referred to will think you're mocking them, and hate you for it. 16) Write an Article Like This An article like this will offend other musicians, promoters and A&R Reps insuring you a comfortably long life of work unrewarded. 17) Do Not Die! This can be a tough one to avoid. However, killing yourself or just plain dying can make even those really weak old four- tracks of yours practically invaluable. If do choose to perish do it in some way that is: 1. Completely curable 2. Embarrassing and 3. Just plain stupid Syphilis is a good way to start or you might try an unchecked genital pierce infection. WARNING: Any variance on rule #17 may potentially curse you to a graffiti and flower covered grave and a spot in the annals of history (yuck). Good Luck! mr_bones